Toenail Collectors Monthly

Here’s a tip – if you would like
to win a girl’s affection,
carefully consider how
you sort your toenail collection.

It’s worth the time and effort.
You should see the girl I charmed!
(Although, it’s good to check that
she’s not easily alarmed).


I’ve seen some sets, in my short time,
all needing much attention.
Some untidy, caked in dust.
Some way too old to mention.

As clippings age they tend to start
to yellow and get duller.
And some take on a pinky tinge
whilst some retain their colour.

Newer ones are bendable
And older ones more brittle.
And if you spot a fungal growth
just file it down a little.

Older clippers tend to bend
and tear the toenail clipping.
Investing in a brand new pair
should stop unwanted ripping

I’d recommend the stainless steel,
or better, polished chrome.
I’d certainly think hard before
I give a pair a home.


There’s one arrangement I love best:
It’s call the Clip Cascade,
where clips are ordered by their size, regardless of their age.

The Bracket March is easiest
as all you have to do
is add your clippings, one by one,
or better, two by two.

However, there’s a modern way
to organise your clips.
Make a wavy ocean by
connecting all the tips.


For years I’ve been a member of
The Toenail Clipping Club.
We meet up every year and tell
our stories down the pub.

I knew a chap a while ago
who claimed to own a nail
which spiraled round so many times
it looked more like a snail!

It took my uncle twenty years
to finally complete
a portrait of his wife by using
clippings from her feet.

Currently I’m working on a
project of my own.
I’m searching for the oldest nail
this world has ever known –

My Granddad Pete’s been growing one
since 1962,
but has to cut a great big hole
in every sock and shoe.

My brand new baby sister has a
set of gorgeous toes.
The nails are nice and pink and
I’ve begun collecting those.

So whether you’re a seasoned pro
or brand new to the game,
all the toenail clipping mags
with all tell you the same…

Keep your clippers nice and sharp.
Always use a file.
Never let your clippings frown
as each one is a smile.

James Cappuccini 2015

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